Lessons

I've wasted a lot of time on Pinterest lately - it's an effortless activity when I don't feel great and am in bed. I've seen a lot of "Lessons I Learned From Cancer" posts, and it got me to thinking about what I have learned in my journey so far. 

I've learned tips to help me on treatment days (spearmint gum masks the yucky taste of Heparin really well), I've learned to sleep when I am tired, chemo-brain is a real thing, and I've also learned that I'm not very patient with myself. 

As part of our Sunday morning church service, we've been re-watching talks from our church's general conference this past April. A few weeks ago we were watching this talk by Sister Joy B. Jones, and I was feeling a little irritated with my limitations. I sat there feeling sorry for myself, but also wondering what more I could do... and then how would I even do it. Sister Jones made the following statement, and it just pierced me through...

"Women wear many hats, but it is impossible, and unnecessary, to wear them all at once. The Spirit helps us determine which work to focus on today."

Heavenly Father is perfectly aware of what I am going through. He knows my limitations, and He knows what I am capable of doing right now. There are days I can do very little, but there are days where I can do more, so I determined to make it a habit to ask Heavenly Father what I can focus on each day. I've also decided that when I get a thought to do something for someone else, I need to act on that. David A. Bednar once said, "If you have a thought to do something good, it's prompted by the Holy Ghost." Those often quiet thoughts we have that seem so random sometimes are Heavenly Father directing us to do good and help others.   

I've had so many people ask me what they can do to help me. I'm not one to ask for help, to be honest. I also have a house full of adults living with me right now who can all take care of the physical demands we have. What I have found that I really need is the encouragement that comes from others - someone just letting me know they are thinking of me and/or sending me a thought that uplifts me. While that's not really something I'm going to tell someone I need at any specific moment, I've been so blessed to receive those just when I need them the most! I get a card in the mail, a text or private message, or even someone dropping something off at my door. You all are showing me how to do just what I said I want to do - act on thoughts, impressions, or feelings to do something for others. 

I've had times in my life (probably more than I'd like to admit), when I've had those thoughts to do something, but for various reasons I don't follow through - sometimes I honestly just forget, or I tell myself that the person I've thought of really doesn't need anything from me. I'm hoping that this can be one of the biggest lessons that I learn through cancer - follow that prompting and reach out to others. Heavenly Father often uses us to answer another's prayer. He's relying on us, and those who are asking Him for help are as well. 

 

Hello... is this thing still on?

Remember when everyone had a blog? And then we all just kind of stopped doing it? Yeah, me too.

I've been thinking of starting back up again since I got my diagnosis. I've been writing a lot in my journal and also on Facebook, but I thought it would be nice to have everything in one location. I'll probably copy of few of those entries to have a more complete story instead of just writing everything all over again... but I'll also fill in gaps that those left off.

I can start by saying that I never really thought I'd be facing this disease. Cancer was something that just wasn't on my radar. It should have been, though. My maternal grandmother died in 1965 from breast cancer that spread to her brain. Side note: I never got to meet her as she died before I was born, but I'd like to think that we would have been great buddies who would have got into all kinds of mischief together. I feel a strong connection to her, and I have for years. Okay back to the cancer thing... When I had my very first mammogram 9 years ago, I was told not to be surprised if I got a call to come back for some more imaging. There is nothing to compare a first mammogram to, so they sometimes need multiple images to get a good look at things. Sure enough, I got a call back. This was towards the end of February and I asked them if it could wait a few weeks until I was on Spring Break, and they replied, "Sure, that will be just fine." So I walked in there that morning thinking everything was fine and got ready to have another mammogram. Instead, they informed me that I'm not having a mammogram, I'm having an ultrasound. This sends off all kinds of sirens in my head, and when I ask "Why?" I'm told that just in case there is something there, they want to have a better look at it. "Just in case?" Well, obviously something is there, or you wouldn't be looking at it. But the sweet lady who is doing the ultrasound is just a tech and can't tell me anything. I get a call from my doctor's office the next day and they tell me that I need to come in so they can discuss the results with me. I call Barry, and the two of us meet with the doc; something has shown up and it needs to be biopsied. To make a long story short, it ended up being a cyst. I was seen by an amazing breast doctor, Dr. Richardson, and he did follow-up care for about a year. I was good about getting my mammograms yearly after that.

Well, fast forward several years, and life gets busy, and you get forgetful, and tell yourself that you are fine and you don't have time to go get a mammogram right now, but you'll do it soon. And then you don't... for 2 years. And you wake up one morning and you feel a lump. And you just want to puke. And pretend it's not there and hide. And get a knife and cut the thing right out of yourself. So you cry, a lot. And realize that hiding and disfiguring yourself won't help, so you call your doctor. Thankfully she is amazing and gets you right in. And she does scold you a little bit because she had ordered a mammogram for you 6 months ago (but see that part above about being busy). But she also makes appointments for you to have a mammogram, ultrasound, and biopsy that same day, which is literally unheard of! A week later we got the diagnosis... cancer.

I have a triple negative carcinoma in my right breast, and the cancer has spread to 2 lymph nodes in the breast drain-field. Triple negative means that there are not any hormone receptors in the cancer, so it can't be treated with hormone therapy. I am having old-school chemo to fight this. My oncologist, Dr. Mathews, is wonderful. He is using 3 different chemo drugs - the first 2 are the really nasty drugs, and they are given together once every 2 weeks for 8 weeks. When I go in for treatment, I am given anti-nausea meds and steroids to help me feel good and combat side-effects. Then I get Doxorubicin (also known as Adriamycin), AKA, the Red Devil, injected with a syringe (it's mixed with a saline drip as well). I asked one of the nurses why they use the syringe instead of a drip, and she told me that it was really powerful, nasty stuff, and they need to make sure it is going in properly, so they use a syringe so they can pause and do a small blood draw occasionally to make sure everything is good. Now doesn't that just sound fun? It takes about 20 minutes for it to go in. Then I get Cytoxan (or cyclophosphamide) in an IV drip for a little over an hour. I got a port put in the week before we started chemo, so all of this goes in through it. Because the Red Devil is so harsh, it wreaks havoc on veins, so the port helps to protect them. Also, I have really hard veins to find, so it's great to not have to worry about that every time. I also had to have a test done to make sure my heart was strong enough to handle the meds, as they can be very hard on the heart as well. I just finished my 3rd round of these meds... yay!! Only one more to go, and then I'll be taking Taxol once a week for 12 weeks. I'll get a 3 week break in between to give my body a break, and to make sure that the other two are flushed out well. So, I'll be taking chemo for a total of 5 months. Wow!!!

One of the reasons we are doing so much chemo instead of just surgery (which we could, because the cancer is only located in my breast), is because triple negative cancers have a higher percentage of return. By treating it with chemo first, we cut that rate by 50%!  It's hard, and I hate how I feel for days on end afterwards, but if doing it means that I can cut my chances of getting it again by half, then it's worth it!

After chemo is over, I'll have surgery to remove the breast. Barry and I have talked about having a double mastectomy done, but I haven't really discussed it with Dr. Richardson, who will be doing my surgery. It's not medically warranted, but I'm kind feeling like if the left one is gone, that's one less place for cancer to show back up. Plus, to be honest, I'm a little concerned about the aesthetics of it. I'm not sure that insurance would pay for it, either, so it's one of those things we will have to look into more. I've got the time... it will probably be the end of August/first of September before then. Six weeks after surgery, I'll start radiation. If chemo effectively does its job, I'll have 21 rounds of radiation. That could be extended, but hopefully not. Radiation will be given daily, except for Saturday and Sunday, so it will take about a month to get through. My prayer is to be done with everything by Thanksgiving, but I'm not sure how timing of everything will all play out.

2020 has been a tough year so far for all of us. I turned 50 on February 17th, and four days later, I found this lump. It's been a whirlwind of doctor's appointments, test, chemo, and feeling scared, sick, and exhausted ever since. But there have been so many good things happening! I've got my babies all around me (well, except for Kyle, but he is still working and doesn't want to expose me to any possible sickness). We were able to move Josh and Britney here before things got bad, and then Meg was able to come home when her school shut down. She has been taking such good care of me! Barry has been blessed to work at home, and goes to every appointment with me. Having our sweet Payton here is just a joy - she just makes you smile looking at her! I've also been sustained by so many prayers and well wishes from family and friends! I get several cards and gifts each week from so many wonderful people in my life. I just truly can't express how thankful I am to you!

Yes, this is going to be a long fight, but I'm so thankful for the army that is Kim's Krew in my corner! Love y'all!

Prom!

Kyle attending his Junior Prom last night! He and his date, Sammy, went with a group of his friends. We met them in downtown Huntsville for pictures. He said they had lots of fun! I think he looks incredibly handsome in his tux!

 

Before he left to go pick up his date. Love that smile!

Colton, Kyle, Sammy and Johsias

 

Kyle and Sammy

The whole group

The three amigos! They all look so handsome!

 

Another friend who joined in for a picture.

 

 

Where has the time gone? Can't believe that this kid will be a senior soon!! I love that he has such a great group of friends, and that they have fun together. 



March Update

I guess it's time to recap March. I truly do mean to write more... just not monthly recaps.

Anyway...

March was a busy, emotional, crazy month.

Josh's mission preparations and departure dominated the first of our month. He left on March 13th. The week before he left were filled with packing, family visits, and last minute details. I took a day off work and we went to the temple together for an english session. He had his farewell on March 10th (coincidentally, that was my parents wedding anniversary - they would have been married 62 years!) We had several family get togethers, and Josh enjoyed spending time with his cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents. Barry and I took off of work the day before he left (as well as the day he actually left), and we went out to breakfast, finished laundry, packing, and getting a few important other things taken care of... like a good missionary haircut! He was set apart as a missionary on Tuesday, March 12th at 7:15 by President Drake of the Stake Presidency. We got up nice and early and took him to the airport the morning of the 13th. He had to be there by 4:30 for a 5:30 flight. This was his first time flying anywhere, and it killed me to let him get on that plane alone. It was even harding knowing he didn't have a cell phone to contact us if needed. I put my faith and trust in the Lord, though, and knew He would take care of him. Misty, Cari and her kiddos came out to the airport to see him off. He was pretty nervous, but excited as well.

Josh and Barry - the day of his farewell.

Being goofy - the day of his farewell

 

This is the picture he wanted me to put on his missionary plaque.

 

Taylor and Noah - she is holding a picture she drew for him. Noah is "photo bombing"!

Josh and Nate-Dog - these two are so much alike it's kinda scary sometimes!

 

Taken just after we got home from him being set apart as a missionary - Elder Mykel Joshua Mayfield!

My brother picked him up at the airport in Salt Lake, took him to temple square (where he met up with my niece and her son), out to lunch at the Lion House, then on to the MTC. He called me as he was pulling up, and he sounded pretty excited. I was trying hard not to cry, but I couldn't help myself.
He spent two weeks in the MTC, then flew out to Idaho the morning of the 26th. He is now serving in Idaho Falls. He sounds like he is doing pretty well, but he also sounds really homesick!

Having two kiddos left at home has been weird, and has taken some getting used to. And Kyle is gone to work a lot of the time, so there are just 3 of us sitting down to dinner. Kayti will be home in a few days, though, so at least that will help!

Megan celebrated her sweet 16 this month!! Her birthday fell at the beginning of Spring Break, so a lot of her friends were out of town and unable to celebrate, so no big party. I tried to help her pull something together, but she wants to wait until it is warmer outside and they can plan to do outdoor things. She did get "heart attacked" by the Laurels in the ward, and the Mia Maids kidnapped her and took her to breakfast. No dates yet.

 

Meg and her door

Being kidnapped by the Mia Maids - thankfully someone remembered to grab her shoes!

 

Her cake - lemon with pink lemonade frosting. She had used every single candle in the house (except for this one) on my cake, and I forgot to get more.

Spring Break was kind of quiet... just the way I wanted it. We stayed at home and I was able to get a few things done around the house. Meg and I went to the movies a couple of times, and we did have a picnic dinner in the park. The weather was cold and yucky for most of the week, which was depressing! We made a quick visit to the farm to see Dad - he seems to be feeling better, and is anxious for warm weather so he can get out and get his garden put in.

Easter was a quiet day. I did baskets for the kids at home. I have stuff for Kayti, but decided not to mail it since she is packing up to head home and figured it would just be easier to give her stuff when she gets here. I sent a package to Josh, but it didn't get to him in time for Easter... but it had goodies in it!

We are looking forward to warmer days in April, and having Kayti home! Meg is also in another play at school, The Miracle Worker. Lots going on... lots to blog about!

February Recap

I can't believe it is already March. The past month has been a blur. Josh leaves for the MTC in a week and a half. Boy, am I going to miss that kid!

Well, before I start bawling again, here is a picture recap of February.

February 2 was our Stake RS Leadership meeting. We used the theme: "Come Unto Me. Serving in the Lord's Way; A Recipe for Our Day."  I got to decorate again, and Carolyn helped me as well. I borrowed some of my mom's old kitchen utensils and linens. Carolyn had added some of her beautiful linens. I thought it was very cozy, I hope those attending did as well. We served muffins and water for a light snack afterwards.

As the meeting was just getting underway, Carolyn nudged me and told me that Barry was in the hallway. Of course I immediately thought something was wrong, so I ran out to see what was going on. Nothing at all was wrong - he was just there to surprise me with some beautiful tulips. My very favorite!

 



They were a beautiful addition to my Valentine's Day mantel. I have saved the bulbs, and hopefully next year I will have more beautiful pink tulips!

There was lots of candy in those glass containers on the left side of the mantel - at least for a few days. The boys {meaning all of the males in this house} made short work of emptying them. I made them go buy more, and that only lasted a couple of days as well.

Valentine's Day was kind of quiet. There were only 4 of us home for dinner - Josh had to work that night. I made manicotti for dinner and a red velvet trifle for dessert. I decorated the table with candy (M&M's, Sweet Tart Hearts, and chocolates) and candles for our traditional Love Day dinner. With all the candles lit, I grabbed my camera to take a few pictures while we were finishing up dinner. Kyle decided that he needed to try and ruin my pictures by throwing candy in front of my camera. He missed getting any in the shots, but he did manage to land one in a tea-light. That turned into a contest between him and his dad as to who could get candy into the other one's glass. Boys! The managed to get candy all over the floor, wax all over the table, and only two M&M's into one glass. I won't tell you which one won the contest, but someone was a bit of a sore loser, and made the winner clean up the mess on the floor.

My birthday was kind of hard this year, and that caught me off guard. I cried most of the day - not because I was turning another year older, but I just really missed mom. The boys were sweet and made me lunch and dinner, and Meg made me a birthday cake. Barry took me out to eat several times that weekend. I tried to be happy for them, and show them my appreciation, but I just couldn't stop crying. I also missed Kayti, and cried even more when I thought of Josh being gone soon. What a mess I am! Barry did give me a wonderful birthday present, though. Money to spend on stamping/craft supplies! I'm looking forward to playing soon!!

Mission preparations seemed to hit high gear this past month. Josh's suits came in (we ordered them from a company online). The fit was not quite right, so we had to send them back for another size. The new ones look great. He is so handsome in them! He went to the temple for the first time. That was a great night! It was a packed session. Another missionary was going through for her own endowments that night, and we both had pretty big groups with us. I made the appointment for him back in January, and when we got to the temple that night, they informed us that it was Spanish night - that meant that the entire session was done in Spanish! Wish they had told us that when I made the appointment! The other missionary was English speaking as well, so they gave them both headsets, and offered them to anyone else that wanted one. What an experience!

I guess that about sums up the month. The next week and a half will be busy and emotional. But, I am so proud of Josh and the choice he has made to go on a mission. He is going to be a wonderful missionary, and I'm excited for all the experiences he is about to have.

Worth of a Soul

It's late, and I'm trying to go to bed, but I've had some thoughts running through my head today, and I want to get them written down.

I've had a couple of quotes running through my head today, and while I can't remember them exactly, to paraphrase they go something like this...

Love me when I'm the least lovable, because that is when I need it the most.

and

If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.

Several years ago I was called to work in Young Women. I was asked to just be an additional leader - there was a rather large group of Beehives (around 13), and they needed an extra leader just to be with them. I didn't teach, I just got to hang out with them. They were, for the most part, rather loud girls.

How loud, you ask?

Well, to give you an idea, when we would have a combined activity with the Young Men, the Priests wouldn't come because they were very annoyed by these girls.

They weren't bad girls. They just liked to talk, and giggle. And they were rather loud in their talking and giggling.

When these girls moved up into Mia Maids, I moved with them, and became the 2nd Counselor in YW. About this time, they started to get noticed, in a bad way, by stake leaders. They were labeled as "bad girls" and even told they were bad. If something went wrong, they were blamed for it, even if it wasn't their fault. It really hurt to see them judged so unfairly. I loved these girls, and even though they were not perfect, they were "my girls". I was blessed to be their teacher when they were Laurels, and then I was called to serve somewhere else.

I will say that these girls were not perfect... they did screw up a time or two. But overall, they were great girls, and should never have been told or made to feel that they were "bad".

Thankfully, they all survived their teenage years. They all graduated high school and have gone on to live their lives. Most of them are married, and some even are now expecting babies of their own. Several are still in college, one is serving in the Marines. I am so proud of each and every one of them. One of these girls is preparing to serve a mission. She leaves in a couple of months, and today I had the privilege of hearing her bear her sweet testimony. She came home this weekend from college so she could go through the temple for her own endowments. This will be her last trip home before she leaves on her mission. Another one of these girls was home this weekend as well for her baby shower, and my heart was touched to see them both. Still another one of these girls is now in our ward as a newlywed, and I have been asked to be her visiting teacher. It will be fun to get to know her now as an adult.

I am blessed to be the mom of one of these young women - and I am so proud of her and the choices she is making in her life!

 All of these girls are such wonderful women, and I couldn't be more proud of "my girls" and how they are living their lives now.

Their story reminds me that we shouldn't judge a book by it's cover. We shouldn't write anyone off because we get annoyed by how they act. When we are called to serve others, no matter how difficult we think it may be, we should pray for understanding and to have the kind of love for them that our Heavenly Father has for all of us. Finding fault with them will never bring about the Lord's purposes, and will never help anyone return to our Heavenly Father.

I'm excited to continue to watch "my girls" grow in the gospel, and know that they are not only my girls, but my sisters as well.

Missed ya!

I've been horrible about blogging this past year. I've wanted to... I have several posts that are saved in my drafts folder, but they just never got around to getting posted. And now they are out of date.

I thought I would post something that makes me happy on this gloomy, rainy day.

 

 

Just looking at the bright blooms cheers me up. I love flowers, and if I had the time, money and space, I would have a huge flower garden. These remind me that Spring is not too far away. Does anyone else find January dull, boring and too dang LONG?

 

They also remind me of Valentine's Day, which is just around the corner. I've started decorating, and come up with a couple of ideas to show my family how much I love them. I hope to post those soon!